Tag: #loss

NEVER THE SAME // 9 years ago my dad was laying in a hospice bed. His shallow, gargley breaths were a sign that he was “transitioning,” is what I’m pretty sure the nurses called it. Basically, it was the sign his body was giving up. He had fought so hard for so long, battling cancer for 4 1/2 years.

It had started as prostate cancer. When the doctors went into remove his prostate it was too late – the cancer had already spread. I remember my first prayer was, “God, give it to me instead of my dad – I’m younger and my body can handle those treatments better.” I was in the recovery room with the rest of my family and it was so hard to see my dad in such a weak state. I never thought of him as weak. That man had some of the strongest hands I knew, except for my Grandpa “Bud” Luick. His fingers were thicker than sausages!

I remember when Dad told me that his cancer was terminal. I was sitting with him at their kitchen table, still naive to the reality that my dad’s body was dying. Or maybe I was optimistically hopeful that God would heal him.

I remember the day that he got checked into the hospital and never got to come back home. Cancer had spread to his lower back and tailbone. I worked just 5 blocks from Mom and Dad’s house (still do) and would go there for lunch most days. Dad didn’t work that day, or had quit early because he was in so much pain. I took the afternoon off and stayed with him – playing checkers to try to distract him from the pain. He couldn’t focus, moving pieces that weren’t his color or forgetting when it was his turn. He was just in so much pain. That’s the last time I got to be with my dad in the house I grew up in. That sucks.

While Dad was at the hospital I asked if he would write a letter to my future children, because we didn’t have any at the time. He said he we would write one when he got back home from the hospital. Though I never did get the letter, while he was in hospice, Amy and I found out that she was pregnant and I got to tell him. That was our first son Leeland, who we would lose 6 months later.

Hospice wasn’t all bad times. I got to be with my mom and brothers a whole lot. Our family had Thanksgiving together there. I found our dog, Scout, when I was there searching online, sitting by Dad. My favorite memory is when I was in the hospice library with my dad. We were standing there looking at books. I think he was using a walker by this time. I looked down and his pajama pants were down to his ankles. They were just too big and he had no clue that they had fallen down. You have to find the humor in those moments – you just have to.

WHY I AM DOING THIS BLOG // 7:48 PM on December 13, 2013 was when I witnessed my dad, Gerald Alan Wass, take his last breath. He was 60 years old, just 6 days shy of his birthday. For a moment I felt a sense a relief – my dad was healed – but that moment didn’t last long.

I was 31 and still had a lot to questions. I still needed him. I was not prepared to have these huge life moments without him. To this day I still have questions I wish I could ask him.

I don’t want that for my boys. This blog is documenting wisdom that I hope they can use and appreciate far after I’m gone from this earth. This is also a place for them to find stories of my childhood and see what was currently going on. I want them to find peace, encouragement, and wisdom in these words. I want them to not have to guess how much I loved them because it will be written over and over and over and they won’t be able to NOT see it.

DOING IT A LITTLE DIFFERENT // Originally I was intent on writing a blog every single Thursday – no matter what. That caused me to sometimes write just to have something done instead of writing about things that really mattered. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to write when I have something, and I’m going to write it then. Not before and not after.

Second, I wrote about what I was going to try to do. I am not great at discipline – I intend to do many things and only accomplish a few. Instead, I will write about what I DID do, not what I planned on doing. I just felt fake because I shared all these ambitions that I challenged others to join me, but I didn’t even stick with it. Who wants to read from a hypocrite? Not me!

Last, even though I am writing for my sons, this is for anyone to read. I figure if this is good enough for my children, hopefully other people will find it useful as well. I hope you find these blogs helpful and encouraging. If you do, please share it with your own friends and family.

GETTING STARTED // You are welcome to start reading my blog from the very beginning, but I believe the best is yet to come. I have so far completely failed with my Ascent to 100. Since my original post I’ve gained 14 pounds. It’s not muscle, I promise you. I’ve struggle to be disciplined and stay focused on really pretty much anything. I think I was trying to do too much at one time, so I just stopped doing all of it. That’s also when I stopped blogging for a while. I needed a break. Here’s my challenge for you with my Getting Started – take a break. Give yourself permission to stop for a while. The world won’t mind.

TO MY BOYS // Milo, I got to hold your little body in my hands and snuggle you while you napped in my arms tonight. You have the best two-toothed smile! When I put you down you instantly wanted me to hold you. I really enjoyed that. While I was getting you in your pajamas you thought it was hilarious that Mom and I were saying “splash!” over and over. I love your laugh! Finley, I had fun with you tonight. We played hide and seek with Mom and Milo – you and I were on the same team. You helped me fill up our humidifiers. Now you’re to the point that you can almost do it all on your own – you just need me to take the lid off. I got to tuck you into bed, reading one book and a Bible story, then I got to pray for you, sing the brave song, and tell you your secrets. I am so proud of both of you. I can’t believe I get to be your dad. Know that your mom and I love you so much! God loves you even more.